The Shadow Looms When the Night is Bleak and The Morning feels like a Dream

I am writing to the Reader today in hope that I will be able to find myself again. My writings have often been about jubilation or shall I say, the myth of being greater than the sufferings one had to endure. All of which were written under the influence of insanity. 

I am here again telling you a piece of me that might carry no actual meaning to you. The Reader, I implore you to see me with your eyes and understand that I have lost it all. I have lost me and I have lost everything that I cling onto to the shadow that lives within me. 

I cannot explain in better words how this shadow of mine had taken hold of me with an unwavering strength that I cannot even shrug off or push aside. 

In the darkness, it calls and beckons to me with malice and evil beyond comprehension. It will often appear, at least in my mind or in me, like an idea, telling me to do things that I cannot be describe and fathom. 

I do not blame the Reader for her inability to understand this plight but myself for not being able to conjure words to describe this malice within me. 

First, is the total annihilation of my conviction to God. Second, it made me think that without God I too have a chance at redemption and third, it tells me that I have done enough and there is nothing that I should do. 

So I stopped at the illusory nothing only to realise that ‘enough’ is not perpetual. Even my skin and youth disintegrate through time, hence the ‘so’ again – what about me?

In hope and In despair,

IJ