This is the first song(I’ve ever) composed, right after I went back from a week of missionary work (not that i want to mentioned that I went for one).I wouldn’t say I wrote this under guise of darkness or the other way around (light), but all I can say is that, this one holds a very special position in my heart, I dedicated this song called “Lost” to my dearest( I hope) friend I can ever hope for. God



You were there,

When life’s falling apart,

You were there,

When I stumbled upon love,

You were there,

When light engulf me,

Oh I’m free,

You were there,

When I was sick,

You were there,

When I’ve fallen ill,

You were there,

Illuminating my way,

I’m Lost,

In time,

Come and set me free,

I’m Lost I should’ve known,

That you love me the most,

You were there,

When it’s raining bullets,

You were there,

When I was shot right between my eyes,

You were there,

When I trembled, I crumbled to the ground,

I bleed red hot blood,


Don’t leave,

Don’t go,


Of trials and tribulations,

I’m lost,

without you here,

without your presence,

Oh Lord.






(The emblem of the Sultanate Of Langkat Inderapura)

I don’t know who I am, where I came from, which ethnicity I belonged to. I can’t be more oblivious back then, about my “roots”. Recently, I discovered that I’m a quarter Indonesian, a quarter dutch, a quarter Chinese and lastly, a quarter Pakistani. Hmmm, what a surprise, well not really, I know ever since forever that I look radically different than what I claimed to be, a “Polynesian” and a “Malay” by right and descendent-cy.

When I was little I had always been fed with this mystical, surreal folklore about where did we really came from, I wasn’t very shocked when my grandma Johara first unravel this legendary tale of a faraway land  reigned by this very powerful and benevolent Kingdom situated somewhere in east Sumatera  ruled by the king of Langkat Inderapura with the name Sultan Abdul Aziz Rahmat Shah ibni Sultan Abdul Jalil.

It is(the kingdom) said to be the most richest kingdom all over sumatera. It is due to the fact that the have a very big oil business, acres of land for agriculture activity and lots and lots of land.

istana 3

(The Castle of Tanjung Pura, Kabupaten Langkat)

My grandma told me, that her husband(my granddad) was the prince who will succeed the throne after the demise of the current King. But due to some unfortunate incidents and unexpected circumstances in the year 1946 where the communist manage to spread hatred and propaganda all over Indonesia, Sultans and kings were ousted, killed, and those who rebel  would be treated much more inhumanely. Most of the royalty of Langkat were tortured, raped and killed.


Fortunately, the young prince(my granddad) manage to escape and run through the river by a small boat alongside his mom(the empress). They landed at a shore somewhere in Quedah, a state within the Malay Peninsula.  So, new life just begun.

As soon as they landed, my granddad and the empress(my great-grandma) were greeted by a passerby, whom at that very moment was running around doing errands at the harbour, this persona is Mr Sime Darby himself, whom once had pay homage to The King(Sultan Abdul Jalil) during the hey days while visiting east Sumatera. Thus he felt indebted, because he was treated in a very good manner by the royalties of the east Sumatera kingdom of Langkat.


To be continued after this war-cry ended…



In the name of God, the supremely Merciful, the Most Kind, all praise be to God, the Lord of the Worlds”


“Cold or Not, God is present”- Carl Jung

Let me ask you

Who is God?

What is God?

Where is God?

When I was younger not long ago, I heard someone said “God is in the air we breathe, the water we swim, in the gust of wind that breezes pass us and in the light that brighten every part of our self”. God is everywhere, God is present, God is closer to us than our own jugular vein.


Or, God is never present in your life, God was never a part of it, everything you ever done in this God’s green earth happened of your own “will” it was never God’s. You can’t see God, you can’t see God. You wouldn’t be able to see God, nor imagined what God look like. God doesn’t have a form. God is infinity. God won’t appear in front of you saying that He had forgiven you. You are not Moses(Pbuh), who can speak directly to God, he wanted to see God, meet him, the mountain shook, tremors, crumble to pieces and Moses fainted. He saw a glimpse and that’s it. What about the word and the spirit of God himself, Jesus(Pbuh)? The poorest of all prophets of God. God asked at the day of resurrection ”Where is Jesus, son of Mary?” Jesus is brought, and He(God) says to him, ”Did you say to people, “Take me and my mother as gods, apart from God?” Jesus replied “Glory be to you! it is not for me to say what I have no right to say. Had I said it, you would have known it. You know what is in my soul, though I do not know what is in Yours. Truly You are the One Who knows the unseen”. God said “You are truthful, O ‘Jesus. He continued reciting the Gospel.

My creed teaches the belief in one supreme Being-the Originator of all creation-referring to humanity as one noble household set on earth as vicegerents to be tried and tested.

As what I believe, God exist, God is everywhere, God is absolute, He has neither beginning nor end. God is eternity. I’m writing this because I wanted to start over, again. I wanted to always be in a constant state of meditation, wake up from this sleep, I wanted my spirit to go through an awakening, a process of transcending my spirit through a Sabbath or purification. I wanted to always feel God close to me. Like He is a part of me, like when God breath His spirit into Adam(Pbuh). “I breathe only when God let me, I may move my finger by His will”. My primordial cause of being here is to serve God, in humility. I can only be grateful I thanked God for the air I breathe and for the love that shelter my entire existence.


I look at the horizon. Vast endless sea beyond measure.” Impossible” I whisper. “What do you want here today?” the sea asked me. “Didn’t you spend enough time looking at me yesterday?”.“Somewhere you are holding  the person I love” I said. “So, when I look at you, I’m also looking at her”. I asked the wind “help me” “one day you carried the voice of my loved one to me”. The wind said “you can’t be me, we are two different things”.  I said “I want to be like you, able to reach every corner of the world, cross the sea and carry the voice of the woman I love” I asked the hand Who wrote all. “God if it’s by your will that I wouldn’t be able to turn into the wind, I wouldn’t. If it’s not by your will, let me be wind for a moment”. I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul, where I end up? Well I think, only God really knows.”

Oh the white boats have landed. And the innocent are here. So dream for the child. Cause it’s the time of the year. Oh, what a bliss.

I hope one day I’ll be truly free from the shackles of superstition and one day broke through the narrow prison bars of tradition to a new and uncluttered heavenly horizon.


I woke up today, to the most beautiful sight. The moon and the sun are present at the same time, piercing their lights though the gap of the curtains. A resurrection. You need to die to be born again. I did die. Now I’m alive. Please God, put a smile upon our face. I heard a voice, faint “Oh, it’s hard to get by just upon a smile”. I kept on smiling knowing that, it is God who put that beautifully carved smile on my face. In this world of darkness, evil rules the night, but somewhere in the shadows, someone’s seeking light. I wish I had known sooner, that I could be that person.


I began to pray. It was a prayer that I had never said before, because it was without words or pleas.


“ O Lord in Heaven, may Thy name be praised in utmost purity for ever and ever, and may Thy kingdom come to us. Please forgive our many sins, and bestow Thy blessings upon our humble pathways. Amen”


                                                                                                                                              I J   

                                                                                                                                  Much Love


“C’est La Vie”


“C’est La Vie”


Dear Afifah,

“This is the first day of my life. I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.”

I was roaming the earth alone,

This dusty wasteland was never worth a fight,

Until one day, I met this beautiful angel,

That light up this tiny heart of mine,

With a light so bright, so pure, the ecstasy,

They say the river Nile use to run from east to west,

It ain’t so bad, at all,

So I run from the abyssal and let your infinite light engulf me,

So let me drift slowly through your being,

Let me swim in your essence of existence,

Let me be a part of that very existence,

Like I don’t exist when you don’t,

Like vanity,

I was dreaming of you,

And my heart is beating so fast,

I started to lose control,

I didn’t  mean to hurt you,

I was feeling insecure,

You might not love me anymore,

I was shivering inside,


This is my greatest love,

You will always be my greatest love,

Here we go again,

We sang and sang and sang,

We cried not because it hurt or because we’re sad,

It was because we are so happy,

That we found each other,

My love is like a soldier,

Loyal till I die,

You are becoming more like me and I’m like you,

We are more alike now,

Always has been maybe,

Tell me everything,

Spark this bonfire heart of mine,

So your love will shelter and warm me,

Throughout this relentless cold of longingness,

We are not going down,

Make believe darling,

We’ll make the most of this,

We’ll fight for this,

We are never giving up,

This is different,

In the darkest night,

Your face is all I see,

We have all the time in the world,

For us to fall in love again and again,



There goes my girl,

There goes my love,

Light up,

Fly up,


Even when you can’t hear my voice,

I’ll be right beside you dear,

When we said our long good bye,

My heart almost stop for a second there,

It felt like I should have just die,

Life is worthless,

In your absence,

Be with me mentally and spiritually,

Love doesn’t have forms,

Close your beautiful eyes,

Hear my whispers,

Of I love you and I want to be with you,



I will wait,

Little darling,

It’s alright,

Little darling,

Let unfold this love together,

I’ve been used to getting up with happy thoughts,

Of what we have now,

You’re the fire and flood,

I always feel you in my blood,

You’re miles away,

Anywhere I go there you are,

There you are,

Listen here,

I love you with my every beating heart, my every bones and limbs,

My spirit is yours,

Now and ever,






Your Cool Cat,







Love is free


Processed with VSCOcam with m3 preset

Leave it all behind,

Your past,

Leave it all away,

Your days, it’s all over,


Pick up the pieces,

Keep chanting love and hope like a mantra,

It intersects,

It intertwines,


Troubled heart,

Oh my troubled heart,

I want you to mend it,

Like how you break it,


I promise I’m better,

Than the phantoms you’re chasing,

I promise I’ll write you,

Thousand more letters,


Take me home.



Much Love




Letter to The Lighthouse


To dear Love


“what you seek is seeking you “ Rumi

Or what you don’t seek is not seeking for you?


To be blunt, I don’t really know how to approach a girl,

How to start a conversation and once in a while

I’m not very fond of commitments. I don’t know why it has to be you,

So don’t ask me that. It just that I don’t know, when this whole thing started.


Btw, I love looking at your pictures in Instagram, lel.

While reading this letter, I want you to listen to these tracks;

Old Man Canyon – Phantoms and friends

Kodaline – all I want

Cage the Elephant – Cigarettes Daydreams

Mumford and sons – Believe

Sea Wolf – youre a wolf

Dawn Golden – All that I want

Luke Sital-Singh – Dark


“ O Love, O pure deep Love, be here, be now,

Be all – worlds dissolve into your stainless endless radiance,

Frails living leaves burn with you brighter than cold stars

Make me your breath, your core “Rumi


I’m perched somewhere, in between infinite and eternal, waiting for the day to pass by, to tell you truth, I really love writing letter, for me it the best way to express oneself. This past few months have been really depressing, dark, gloomy, foreboding, lonely, everything but happiness. I’ve been suffering from cognitive disorder, ever since I had an accident three years ago. The doctor said it was a mild case of bipolar. Through time my body will produce coping mechanisms. Eventually, it will fades away. I’ve been taking sleeping pills for almost two years now. I know I sounded like a very you know problematic person. But the truth is, I’m not.

I’ve been single for almost a year now, maybe I just don’t wanna be alone anymore. The isolation, like you’re in a the middle of a very vast and dry desert, all you could smell is the perfume of the desert, you keep on seeking, trying to unfold your love, in a place so hostile, you just can’t find your way, you know you are not going anywhere.

You miss being with somebody who could understand you, love you and be with you. The contentment. You long for someone to share your love with.

I want it all, I want it now.

This too shall pass.

It not that easy, but I have high hopes. That everyone deserve a portion of happiness. And mine is about to come.  So don’t let the ones that wanna steal you dreams, they steal  your dreams away, just laugh and let it go. As we grow up, we have to learn how to cope with things lost and taken away from us.

You break free, never letting this enigma overtakes you. You stand up, you fight back, be resilient. I’ve regained my strength. Everything is falling back to its places. Like it or not, life is parallel to our very existence. When we exist, life exist. I started reading again, writing, do everything that I use to love doing .  I started playing guitar again, there’s  few songs I’ve composed. Most of them are awful. I’m beginning to understand the real meaning of life, you’re a traveller and you seek shelter under a shady date tree, searching for something to drink, you seek for the elusive oasis, mirage of it. Everything was preordained upon you, everything, when this and that happen, your fate and your destiny. What was made for you, was meant for you. We are in constant pursue of happiness. Only happiness can never be found, you are pursuing happiness, have you grab it? Have you achieved true happiness?

You haven’t!

Have you ever feel like you are greater than your sufferings? The source of suffering and loneliness is deep in my heart. This is a disease no doctor can cure. Only union with the Friend can cure it. You are bearing the weight of the world on your shoulder, yet you walk through life like it was nothing. In the end God doesn’t burden a soul more than what it can bear. Every barriers, barricades, boundaries can’t stop you, you are unbreakable, indestructible, you are meant to be greater than whatever misfortunes, that befallen you.

I’m in solitude. I’m in seclusion. Isolating myself from whatever negative energy the world is giving. I’m trying to quit my bad habits, like smoking and etc. But still, I gave up halfway through, because its unhealthy and you are not getting any younger than now. This is the phase in life where you go out, socialize, meet new people, become one with the world, never lose reality and there is only one reality. It’s a wakeup call for me,  one thing I know I’m not the person I used to be, I’m different now, I’m not going to waste this second chance life gave me.


Believe me, I’m not asking for your empathy, I’m just explaining you of my being.

I will redeem what I’ve lost, redeem my soul and my glow from the oblivion that I have quickly clothed myself with soon after I got my very first fall. I did learn something, fall freely, that for a moment you’d experience what it’s like to fly. You might not make it out alive, you might get hurt by the fall but at least for a while you had a glimpse of the view, you had the taste of what it’s like to soar and because you have experienced all of these, no matter how impactful your landing may be, I bet you my soul you will try once more.

Finals here, You are stocking up on caffeine fixes and 5-Hour Energy drinks before the storm hits. A storm of finals worth 60% of your grade.  12-pagers that will have you crawling into the light of the morning, turning your study guide into a white flag to wave and surrender. One more day and it will be over.

You’ll make it. Remember to breath, to eat and to sleep.

Do whatever it takes. You are good enough. You don’t have to do a single thing more. You are good enough, don’t compare yourself to others or worry what others will think. Live the life you love and proud of even if that means making a 180 turn starting right now!  That is basically what I said to myself everyday

I don’t really know you, but I’m sure one day I will. I don’t see any harm in getting to know. I don’t really know if I’m good enough for you, if I’m even your type, your preferences. I’ve been trying to reach you, but it just doesn’t seem right, because you seemed so uninterested talking to me. I know I’m hard to take. Maybe we could work things out. Just maybe. You might be someone who enjoys and cherishes freedom and independence too much or you wouldn’t like to be tied to a commitment or someone. But I can’t take it anymore, I’ve decided not to miss the opportunity to make you an unusual but at the same time, “appealing proposition”, maybe we could go for a coffee or something? or a movie or just anything. I hope this doesn’t come as a surprise to you. I promise, I’m a better man now.  I’m maybe a stranger now, but don’t realize that you are so used to your features, you don’t know how beautiful you look to a stranger like me.


I’m ready, will you ever be ready? Don’t let me wait to eternity, because right now I want you to make my world feel right, I just want to feel belonged,  I don’t know if what I’m saying is making sense to you, but I want you to know, I’m faithful when it comes to loving someone.


I’m lost in a colossal ocean, in moonless night, I want you to be my lighthouse, guide me, shine my path, with your everglowing light, I know love will set me free. Come here, I need you now more than ever, this is no sad letter, this is a new beginning. Love doesn’t conquer but set you free. Cause you are bright when all is dark.

Ten years from now maybe we could laugh about this together? I have high hopes.

Hold on, ours is not a caravan of despair. But of love and hope, at some point it intersects.

If we never try, we never know. Take care.



Much Love, IJ


I’m a believer

Hey readers, Assalamualai’kum( peace be upon you) , since the exam’s week is over, I would love to dedicate minuscule of my time to write regarding this very matter which always, people misconceived be it Muslim or not yet muslim(referring to the non-muslim), I had hasten up my pace and move, so that people would understand, comprehend, or even letting myself being criticized over this. First, I don’t belong to any party or organization or anything you despise or taking arm with, for I am, a moderate muslim( I hope, in between liberalism  and extremism) just like you, a human just like you, a vicegerent just like you and foremost a slave. I’m no righteous, I’m no pious, I’m no saint, all I wanna be is your brother, who cried when you cried, who love when you love. Lately, I always find myself in a constant state of wanting to look beyond, what the eyes couldn’t see, I resort to my faculty of mind, and often time contradicts my utmost conviction. BALANCE, I tried to bring holistic equilibrium in my daily life when it concerns the matter of my belief, I am always lost in spiraling thoughts, with regards to this. I mean, as a man of peace( not boasting) Islam literally means “peace”and “Submit”, hence a person professing “Islam” could by means of literal rule be referred as a man of peace and man who submit . Also, I pictured myself, living in Iraq joining ISIS, or Palestine protecting The holy mosque Al-AQSA, or sometimes in Egypt protesting against Al sisi military administration and wailed when my beloved, our beloved ulama (those who are knowledgeable in Islamic sciences or fiqh) Qaradawi, was being persecuted by Interpol. Reminiscing, looking up, contemplating, on how different things were when I was a small boy exempted from duties or certain obligations. Recently, Charlie Hebo a French Cartoonist and several others were killed by a group of person claiming to have done this to honour or avenge the Prophet Muhammad(pbuh). I stumbled upon an article while I was checking my email, that article crushed me, though I know any view or idea of someone regarding any other religion should extend only to a particular limit or imaginary line(naturally speaking).It was reported that an office of a satirical French magazine was ambushed and several were shot. And the suspects shouted such words “avenging the prophet”, I was startled, on what basis? On whom authority? Who vested to you the power to take another’s life in honouring the prophet? Isn’t one’s life and death is exclusively God’s to decide? Savaging Salvation? Intercession? Some argue this is “legal”in Islamic point of view, by means of Jihad (only referring to the sword verses) for those who argued that Islam promotes violence and hatred, there is vast interpretation with regard to this controversial verses of the Holy Quran mentioned (if only the community is under attack or siege). Thus if the muslims are not under some sort physical pressure or attack, their means of killing the infidels cease to exist. Forsaken. Most importantly, What is Jihad? Let me clarify this to you; There are two types of jihad, inner Jihad(meta-physical), outer Jihad(physical)

  1. i) The first type of jihad (inner Jihad) , ie; the history of the occupation of Mecca where The Prophet siege (with compassion and mercy). The message of the Holy Quran, which was preached by our beloved Muhammad is the same as what Moses(pbuh) and Jesus(pbuh) preached to their community. Thus killing innocent unbeliever is not justifiable. By this, the Christians and The Jews could be classified as the people of the book. In which the book was revealed to them, Injil(bible) and Torah respectively.
  2. ii) The second type of jihad(outer jihad) has been mentioned above.

Muslim community, back then at the time of the Prophet SAW, before the great migration, to Medina, could be considered as a “second class citizen”, who was tortured, starved by sabotage and manipulation of the market”. For about nine years, the muslims were classified as misfits of the state. The abused, endured The hearty, shakened The belief, un-waivered The migration of the Muslims community finally broke the impending bind, they were allowed or commanded to migrate by (the treaty) to Medina. Hence, the administration phase begin, where The Prophet reign with peace, hope and benevolence. The muslims are only allowed to take arm against the disbeliever when they are under siege. As what I believe, physical siege. The story of Salahuddin Al-Ayubi (Saladin), believe me if you read this story and you’ll get the answer. Do some research, don’t be heedless of the lessons you can gain. Ask yourself, are we under siege? At some point, I might say yes and no, but why do we have to resort to lesser good when there’s greater good? we all agree to disagree.



I was placed on a minefield,

One step was all it takes,

Taking me to nowhere but forevermore,

Why don’t you come? Because it was wrong,

I was swept away,

By surging tides,

Lost in a colossal ocean,

Why didn’t you come along? Because it’ll drag you somewhere you don’t want to be,

I’m lost in transition,

With a question of whether,

Soon you’ll realized,

It’s not a question, it’s life,

State Of Turmoil

I vow to protect the land,

Of what?

Of peace.

I demand retribution,

Of what?

Of my beloved.

I laugh when my brother laugh,

I cry when my brother cry,

All I want is happiness, not for me.

But for,

All my countrymen,

All humanity,

All beliefs there is,

Of the promotion, of goodness,

Of rejection, of all evil.